"Let's talk birth control"

Ahhh the six week follow up visit to the midwife. The sole purpose of this visit is to make sure everything found it's way back to it's orginal place even though we all know it's a little bigger, looser and still angry. This is not one of my favorite visits due to all the extra "prep" work needed for said exam. It does rank pretty high on Hubby's list... what? maybe second, we'll say. Right behind the "It's a boy OR It's not a boy" visit. So, when we were still waiting an hour later, I swear he was going to boost me up on the stirups and do the exam himself. Thank god she came in time, because I was going to have to explain to Hubby that some things you can't just tinker with and figure out... you need training!!!

Now, the last time I saw this lady our casual greeting was her hand up my hoo haa gown while she pretended to read her notes on "How not to make a vaginal exam uncomfortable" on the ceiling. I brace myself. Dear lord... you'd think it would be easier after birthing an almost 8 pound baby?!?! Nope. But I pass with flying colors and just when I think that we've overcome our barriers of all things embarrassing (really what could be left? I was just naked from the waist down with all of my glory within inches of this lady's face???) she asked the question that took me back to 10th grade!

"So what about birth control?"

Talk about an awkward conversation. I'm sitting there in my paper gown with my midwife, husband and the most recent product of our well planned out birth control method in my arms (the other two were at their Mimi's).
I'm stuttering, "Um....um...." Thank god she's looking down at my file. Probably rechecking to see how many kids I have. 5?10?
"Well....um...um.." I desperately try to get Hubby's attention, but he's conveniently soothing the baby. I hear no crying! Well not that other people can hear too. Ass. She glances at him and then me again, waiting for an answer.

All I can mutter out is, "Well, we just signed up for cable."

That's right folks, you read it right. Cable!! We cancelled it almost 5 years ago in October of 2004. Allie was born August 2005. Do you need a calendar? I'll give you some time... Ok, so if logic serves me right, I should be able to sign up for cable again and not have any babies. Right? Well the midwife wasn't following. She laughed a little and then realized I was serious. She looks up at me with that You-Can't-Be-That-Stupid-So-I-Must-Be-On-Punk'ed look and now I'm blushing!!

Yeah, I'm 29 years old, married with three kids and I'm blushing! All the while my mind is jumbled up... Do I want more kids? Can I handle more kids? Do I believe in birth control? Do I want to swell up like an Oompa Loompa on the pill again? Why won't my husband get neutered? I don't want surgery. Do I? Time off??No, no... too permanent. Well what in the hell does that leave me with?

We both blurt out, "Condoms?!"

16. A pimple just surfaced on my face. Hubby is hiding in the corner shifting around like he's contemplating jumping out the window. She tries to make us feel a little more grown up and says, "Condoms are a perfectly reasonable solution. Even for married people."

Yup, the lowly condom is usually not sophisticated enough for married people, but I guess in our case, it's better than cable.