Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dear Baby Girl,

"God, I can't believe she's four!" I've been thinking about what I want to write to you this year, and that's all that echos in my head. You're four today. Four. I find myself just staring at you, hypnotized, more and more these days. It reminds me of our first few months together at home. When your Daddy and I first brought you home, we would just hold you and sigh and stare and smile and then sigh again. Just like in the movies. The staring was because we were just so amazed that you were here and ours. It baffled me that I had this whole little person, who was completely dependent on me for everything and I had no clue about what to do...other than stare. The sigh was because I had to let some of the pure joy out or I would burst. Kinda like when you are lying down and have too much energy, so your body just has to jump! That's where my sighs came from. I was too happy and some of it had to be shared or I'd burst. The smiles were because I had no words to explain the changes that you brought into my life, and I had to do something with my nervousness, so I just smiled. It kept my mouth busy and my heart calm. Four years later and here I am again. I just stare, sigh and smile. You amaze me.

In the last twelve months, you have slowly gone from being my little person to just a little person. Every day you are becoming who you are destine to be, more and more. All the little nudges I give to mold you into the person I want you to be are now met with your own desires pushing back. Lots of pushing back, which usually involves some screaming, crying and maybe whining. Your personality is so full and dominant that I'm slowly realizing that my existence in your life is not to mold you, but simply to witness. When I was holding you inside me and dreaming about your little face, I tried so hard to pick a name that you would cherish the way I do my own name. Finally, one day your name, Alejandra, sang to me. It was just you and I couldn't explain why or how, but it just had to be. Now I know. Your name means "protector of mankind" and I can not think of three words that describe you more fully. Every day that I have the joy of watching you with the friends and family in your life I know they are blessed to have you too. I don't think I have ever known another person in my lifetime that loves more and with their whole being like you. It scares me. You love with your whole self, without discrimination. On the playground, when someone falls, you are the first one there to help them up and offer help. At the store, you bring smiles to lonely or stressed shoppers. At the party, you are the official greeter and entertainer with hugs, kisses, dancing and all. It's almost as if you exist to bring joy to those around you. It amazes me; you amaze me.

This year you became a big sister for the second time and I think I could see your heart swell right along with my belly. When I would cuddle with you during naps or bedtime, you would gently wrap your arm around my belly and talk to your baby with such excitement and he would throw a few kicks to let me know he loved you too. In all the craziness of this year, you have been my sanity many days, helping with Benjamin by just lying next to him and making him smile or coo when even I couldn't. He loves you. I think we all love more because of you.

So today, you're four and in my grown up mind which is always conscious of time, this means that I have one more year with you all to myself, before I have to hand you over to school. I'm a little sad. I'll never let you know this, but I'm going to miss you so much. You have been the biggest change in my life and I'm a little scared to let you go. From the moment I knew you existed, everything I knew about the world and my purpose in it changed. Political issues, environmental issues, creative urges, food ingredients, friendships, family relationships... every aspect of my life is now molded by your existence. I wouldn't change a thing. You are my first born and there aren't enough words to describe how special that is to me. Not more or less than how special your brothers are to me... just different. So in this next year, the year of four, I'm going to try my damnedest to slow time down a little bit more and just bask in all that is you. Alejandra, protector of mankind!


Becca said...

Happy Birthday Ally!

Crisa, it's hard to imagine 4. As Cora inches (uh, races) toward four I can't get my head around it. We've been thinking about it more, now that some of her friends are turning four. But tomorrow I will have to grapple with three and a half. So we still have a little bit of time.

Still, four is like little girl, not baby. WHAT? What happened!!

Sue @ Laundry for Six said...

Awww! Happy birthday, Allie!!