Monday, August 23, 2010

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. ~Hodding Carter, Jr

Getting ready. I'm not smiling because I'm a nervous wreck!

She was a little nervous the night before, but in the morning she was beyond excited. Like annoying excited.
I think she was done with pictures by now.

I should NOT be sick to my stomach, but I am and the two cups of diesel coffee at Chickfila didn't help. My baby, my sweet little girl, mi corazon left me today. I know it shouldn't feel this way. I KNOW she's going to have a ton of fun, make new friends and maybe learn some stuff but I'm going to miss her so much. We've been each other's buddy for five years now. Until this day, we've spent almost every waking moment together. She's my helper, my buddy, my shadow, my world. And for all of you rolling your eyes and saying that it's not healthy for your kids to be your world, let me just say... wait. Just wait until they place your first born in your arms and you can't breathe. Your whole life doesn't change; you are born. Wait until you spend the first three months of her life jumping out of bed because you think you hear her crying. When you're begging for just a moment of peace and quiet and then she's gone and you can't wait to see her again. Just wait until they take your heart out of your chest and place it in hers. You are never whole again, because pieces of you are walking around in this big scary world that you cannot control. Just wait, you'll see, you'll know and you wouldn't have it anyother way.
I guess, if I stop and calm down a bit, once the caffeine wears off, I know that even if I could control everything I wouldn't because then her life wouldn't be anywhere close to wonderful. But right now the excitement, fear and pain are just jumbled up into tears. I miss my baby and I have exactly two hours to dry my face and suck it up before I have to paste my smile on and gather up the little piece of my heart that has been gone all day.

Happy First Day of School baby girl.


Jessica said...

I have been trying to blog all day and can't seem to stop tearing up long enough to put anything into words.....everytime I think about my little boy all grown up, I get excited, sad, happy, empty...and the list goes on. I couldn't have said it any better than what you posted, thanks for sharing your heart today!

Becca said...

*hugs* I get it. But more so next year. :)

Emily Brown said...

you brought tears to my eyes too! this is probably the best description of what motherhood *feels* like that i have ever read. beautiful.

Sue @ Laundry for Six said...


(Although I can tell you that one day she will be 10 and you'll be tempted to drop her off in the parking lot the week BEFORE school starts... but for now, *sniff*!!!)

Crystal said...

Crisa, what a beautiful post! It made me tear up. I was acting like Troy was leaving for college on his first day of kindergarten. I felt ridiculous, it is nice to know I am not alone. I just felt so lost without him. He is beginning his third week and it is getting easier(for me, it was never once difficult for him). It will for you too, I am sure you know that though. :)

I hope Allie had a wonderful first day of school!! Let us know how it went. :)


george said...

It is all part of growing up,not just your children, but you as a parent. These are the times you ask yourself -- How did my mother do this over and over? You learn to appreciate your parents more and more as you experience this feeling and many others. So, brace yourself for the roller coaster ride.