How to play with a six week old???

My new favorite line for telemarketers...

I've got three kids. They're all screaming. Gotta go!

I have this thing, where I can't not answer the house phone if I can reach it. We don't have Caller ID for this very reason. It doesn't matter if I know who's calling or not, I can't just let it ring a bazillion times before the annoying answering machine picks up just to have to listen to a few more beeps and THEN the message. Nope it's quicker to just pick up the phone and turn 'em away before they can get full stride into their pitch. Most of the responses I'm getting from my new line are, "God bless you" or "Oh, I'm sorry". I get a few, "Oh, it'll just be..." and that's when I put the baby or the closest screaming child on the phone. That usually does it.

Baby shower gifts

I've only had one baby shower and although my family threw me a wonderful shower with friends and family, I still hate showers. Well, I hate being the guest of honor. There's just something really weird about asking for a bunch of stuff, inviting people to a party so they can give it to you and then trying to look surprised when you open it. My favorite gifts were the surprises. The handmade gifts or independently chosen ones. So that's what I give. I'm sure most of the moms curse me when they get home because they really wanted that under the sea baby swing that has 10 speeds, a five star light show and plays Beethoven's fifth but I can't help myself. What are they gonna do?? Return my gift??

Burp clothes and a wash cloth duckie.

SCHOOL?!?!?

Well I caved and sent Allie to vacation bible school this week. She's been begging to go to school for about a year now and to be honest with you, I'm not too thrilled. I'm pretty anti-school, I guess if you had to call it something but that's a post for another day. Allie, however, wants to go to school so bad that she is trying to skip a whole year of her life so that she can start already. So, for my sanity's sake I enrolled her in a one week camp to see if she'd actually like "school" and so that she'd stop pestering me about it. Yeah, I didn't think that one through because all I'm going to hear next week is, "Momma do I go to school today?", "How about today?", "Today?" ahhhhhhhhhh I'm bracing for it.

If I Could be a Superhero...

I'm drawing up plans for my costume now.

Rubber girl. Reaching in the backseat to find a tut (pacifier) in the deepest crevice of a car seat and blindly poking it around until it finally lands in Benjamin's mouth. By the way, this is a lot harder to do when the car is stopped! Am I the only one that has babies that cry out in crippling pain every time the car stops moving??

Monkey toes. Yup, just what you're thinking - I pick stuff up with my toes. I'm really good at it and can pick up almost anything. I think I perfected this when I was pregnant, but it's been a lifesaver with a newborn too. Hubby has set limits, though, and has begged me not to pick up anything that will go in any one's mouth.

One-armed wonder. Benjamin is tiny and so new to this world that everything is strange, loud and scary to him. So he just wants to be near his chichis me. I don't really think I understood this as a new mom and it would frustrate me that Allie would cry so much, but now I get it. So, Mr. Benjamin is always on me and if he's not in a wrap, that means I only have only one arm available. This is a pretty common supermom talent though. They even have a cookbook just for and by a One-armed Wonder Mom! One-Armed Cook

Our new and improved threat...

Yeah we've tried:

"Don't make me count" (... to three which includes two and a half, two and three quarters....)

" Do you want to go sit in time out? (where you play with all sorts of crap because I don't follow through and watch you)

" I'm going to give away your (most prized childhood possession that'll surely scar you for life) if you don't...",

"Do you want me to call your Daddy?"(This one does work even though I said I'd never be one of those moms.)

"If you don't behave, no Mimi's/swimming/movie night . " (Even though these are usually more of a treat for me than you)

....Well you get the idea. We're gonna shake it up this week though.

Threat of the week: If you're not a good girl/boy, Mommy and Daddy are going to feed you to the sand monster!

Five Things I've Loving Right Now

I guess I should have posted this one before the "5 Things I Hate", huh?

Sisterly Love.I don't know if I've mentioned it but I have a horrible memory. Well, I can remember things, but I can't memorize things. It's okay, I'm dealing, buuuut it makes it really hard for me to know things like history dates, multiplication facts and song lyrics. So, when I first became a mommy I sang Allie some silly made up song that had all of two versus. Then, I moved to the ABC's when I was deliriously tired, because I couldn't even remember the lyrics to my own two-verse song. Then, Martin was born. Allie and I had been going to a Mommy and Me music class, and I studied really, REALLY hard to remember the lyrics to the lullabies. I mean, seriously, I'm bad at this. It's sad. Anyway, I studied really hard and was prepared to lull my sweet little boy to sleep with my newly memorized song, Hush Little Baby. Yeah, that was a flop! I think I got to the second verse and it went something like this... and if that diamond ring won't shine, momma's gonna buy you a girl so fine, and if that girl.... well you get the point. It was not very soothing because I had to pause every five seconds to run through the alphabet and find rhyming words! Now I've passed that, oh so wonderful, trait on to my daughter. She's a great big sister. Gives Benjamin his tut, holds him, kisses him, loves him aaaand sings horribly inappropriate versions of Hush Little Baby to him. Just one of the many versions: Hush little baby, momma's gonna buy you a ring *Benjamin starts wailing*....momma's gonna.... *his face is turning red*....buy you...URGH!!! JUST HUSH!!!!!!

Country Boy. I love that I can turn the radio on at any time to a country station and my husband know all the words... and he sings. mmmmm nice. Now, if I could just get him into some boots! and chaps...

Happy Hangup. Wow this is one of those things that I wish I knew about with my first baby. Instead of hanging half off the bed to rock the stupid bassinet - that I always stumped my toe on - all night long! Not to mention that my poor babies only slept in the bassinet for a short time, because the paper thin mattress was so uncomfortable. The baby hammock is hung from our ceiling (with lots of bitching and moaning on daddy's part) so no more bruised toes and the best part is that every time Benjamin stirs the hammock bounces and rocks him back to sleep. HEAVEN!!

Mom of the Year! I love how neglecting my children has paid off!! They are so good at playing together or alone. Martin can play make believe for hours and only harasses his sister for half of that time. Allie's favorite game right now is mommy dog and baby dog. What does it involve? I have no idea because I don't play it! Poor Mimi gets roped into playing though. The only down side would be that my little boy frequently wears girl clothes and wants to be a princess, but all in all, I'll take it because it means I can be sane for part of the day.

Finger Lickin' Good. Not only is this my favorite thing that Martin says right now, but it's also what I say when the fabulous women in my playgroup bring us dinner. I cannot even being to say how much I love this! Around five 'o'clock when I've answered a million whys and swatted two pairs of hands away from the baby for three hours straight, an angel shows up at my door with a fabulously hot meal and I could just cry every time. I really love how this group of women take care of each other. My generation will never know what it's like to live in a time where the whole village helps raise your children. Both parents work, kids are in extra activities instead of playing in the yard, family doesn't live within walking distance and neighbors don't trust each other. Well maybe you get a few of these, but not all of them. This group of women has created a modern version of this village. We get together a few times a week to help each other regroup and let the kids play. We also help each other out when you need friends and family the most- like after having a baby. And, of course, we get together to refuel our supermom powers with a few beers or margaritas.

Time is NOT on our side

God I can't believe my baby is one month old today. This is my third baby I've stopped time for. We've cuddled and nursed and stared at each other for hours upon end it seems like, while the rest of the world continued on it's merry way.

I will say that this time around I've washed fewer clothes, cooked less, panicked and cried less. This time around I haven't wished for the milestones to come, counted hours between feedings or panicked over how many poop and pee diapers my baby has. Benjamin, might be my last baby. That little sentence excites and terrifies me all at the same time.

Just another shot out to my girl Tiffany who does awesome birthday invitations, and announcements.

Mooo

Yeah, I have a feeling that I'm going to have a whole series of photos titled, When Momma Was Nursing.

.... and YES I will be making her wipe her butt with this!! Waste not, want not - and she wants a LOT of things, so no wasting in this momma's house.

She walks around the house with her eyes closed, begging for us to buy her glasses because she can't see.

To save my marriage-

Ok so I'm sure it's just my raging hormones but Dear LORD!!!! if you could get a divorce on the internet, I'd be single right now. Instead of Goggling to check IF I really could, I'll just vent for a second and be on my married way.

Five Things I'm Hating Right Now:

• How the grown man in my house can make as much of a mess as the kids. Really?? Come on!!! Put a napkin or plate down before you butter your toast, put the dirty diaper in the trash, pick up your size 11 clog hoppers before someone hurts themselves and for my sanity's sake, please cover the damn food in the microwave!!

• How my deodorant only works on one of my armpits since I've had Benjamin! How insane is that? What's worse is the my three year old has told me that I stink. TWICE. I think I might need to go "clinical" with my hygiene products.

• Nap time. See picture below.

• Nursing bras. Well maybe it's the boobs I put in them that I'm not liking. Don't get wrong, I LOVE nursing, but people should not be smaller than what they are eating!!!

• How my dear husband glowers at me when I can't keep from shoving every single toxic but comfort food within a five mile radius into my mouth. It's like a cruel joke what nature does to our bodies after having a baby. When I desperately want to lose those last fifteen pounds from my pregnancy, my body seems to be possessed like the zombies from Night of the Living Dead, except my "brain food" seems to be chocolate and pasta!

My zombie picture frome 2007. Yeah my husband got in a lot of trouble for this one, but here I am sharing it anyway.

Naptime

The Fourth Trimester

I know, the math teacher in me had a hard time typing it...

This is how we'll probably be spending most of our days for the next few months.