Dear Lord,

Church is the one hour a week you spend reflecting on how God's message of love has been incorporated into your life. We are supposed to focus on the teachings of the bible and with the help of the priest and his sermon, I'm supposed to learn how to live a good Catholic life and teach my children how to be good Catholic children. Sounds easy enough, right? Well throw in a two year old future talk show host and a one year old with the cry of a baby pterodactyl. Now we've got a whole congregation praying extra hard for the Lord to give them enough patience to not slip birth control into my coffee at the Meet and Greet after mass.
I figured out that mass with my kids was a joke very early on and I did what every sane Catholic mother does and put my kids in the free daycare provided by the church. Well, we hit panic mode today, when my husband walked back from the daycare room WITH the kids. Crap! How on God's green earth was I going to get two kids through a one hour mass??

Well I can't say we did it gracefully and not all of us made it, but we did get through the hour...

9:05a.m - Hubby shows up with kids in tote. Yeah mass does start at 9:00am.
9:07a.m. - We spot our family. Scoot ourselves through a pew and a half to get there all the while, M is waving to every person that has the pleasure of having my butt in their face and their feet crushed by my husband's size 11's. A is so excited to see her Mimi and Popo, you know because it's been 12 hours, that she shouts hello to my parents and my mother in law, then proceeds to tell them all of the wonderful things that happen in a two-year-old's life. You know, only the appropriate things for church like big poops.
9:15 a.m. - I think I heard the first reading. Maybe not. Kids spot the snacks in my purse. Pterodactyl boy screams and starts flapping his wings. I feed him.
9:16a.m. - Ahhh the minute of silence is over. A sees the snacks and wants some too. I give her a bag. She wants M's. I switch because M doesn't care and I want A to hush up. I know this won't work forever, but I'm going with it for now.
9:20 a.m. - Kids are still eating. woohoo. I'm so worried about them acting up that I can't even pay attention to the second reading when they ARE being quiet.
9:21 a.m. - Forget it I don't even know what he's talking about now. I start starring at the lady in front of me. She's pregnant with a little girl. Maybe 1 1/2. She's good. This lady has no clue how much harder two is.
9:25 a.m. - Yay we're singing. M is under the pew looking for the goldfish he dropped. I'm sure he's eating them off the floor. Don't care; he's quiet.
9:30 a.m. - Daddy is getting restless because A is crawling up and down the pew.
9:31a.m. - A's crying. Daddy takes her outside. DAMN I think he made her cry, just so he could leave.
9:38 a.m. - Collection basket is coming around. Damn I forgot to fill out the check. Martin tears out a page in the misselet. Damn! DAMN!! Write check out for $10 more that usual.
9:43 a.m. - My Dad takes M. I guess I look frazzled.
9:45 a.m. - More screeching. M is back with me.
9:49 a.m. - Little girl in front of me is acting up. YAY!
9:50 a.m. - Thank God, it time for the Eucharist. Mass is almost over.
9:51 a.m. - Walking back to my pew. See the wreckage from daycare being closed in many other faces.
9:52 a.m. - Pray.Peace. Forgiveness. M is hitting my head and laughing.
9:53a.m. - Daddy comes in and needs the keys. A had an accident.
9:57a.m. - Mass is over. Thinking about sneaking out before the Priests' procession. Stay and sing instead.
10:00am. - Walking out of the sanctuary. Douse M and me in holy water. Want to put some in his sippy.

So I have NO CLUE what today's mass was about, A and her daddy were only in church for 30 minutes and the only lesson I've passed on to my kids about church is that Mommy and Daddy will give them anything to be quiet including yummy snacks.